9AM Wake up, take 7 pills.
Carefully I count them out by the voids they will fill.
ADHD, Anxiety, Depression, Pain, Pain, Pain, Pain.
As I swallow them down, I read down the side effects of the Zapains.
Dizziness, nausea, light-headedness; that’s not so bad.
Addiction? What? I’m meant to take 8 a day are you mad?
Liver damage from prolonged use of paracetamol? the specialists telling me to take them even when I’m feeling well.
I’m losing it now, this is sending me insane.
It’s 1 o’clock I’ve gotta do it all over again.
5 pills this time, I count them out.
Anxiety, Pain, Pain, Pain, Pain.
They start to kick in and I’m feeling woozy.
I’m stumbling now, steps faltering, it’s just the pills again, don’t worry I’m not boozing.
5 O’clock comes and my heads feeling Scatty.
But I can’t deal with this pain or this constant anxiety.
So I swallow down the pills, 5 more to the list.
Zapains and the Beta-blockers, to cut down on my pill intake I did insist.
And the doctor she nods and smiles and explains to me that I only need to take the tablets when I feel the fear growing in me.
But I always feel that, don’t you see?
Up to 3 a day? Well 3 it’ll be.
When I remember, which isn’t very often.
Or when I can find all of my tablets which also isn’t very often.
You see with ADHD I can’t concentrate, then throw in the Anxiety and my brain can’t quite cope. It’s forgetting things; anxious thoughts I can only hope. On those days where anxiety takes a rare break, it seems the black dog gets lonely and incessant. It scratches at the bottom of the door no matter how much I say it can’t.
You see, I can’t take any pills if I can’t find them all.
I’m constantly terrified, frightened; they’ll all gang up on me in a dark hall.
But at least then I feel safety in numbers.
They might turn on me sure but at least my impulsive words can distract me from my impending fear of failure. And as my face flushes red, like the first tomato on a new plant drawing everyone’s attention, the shame will distract me from deaths sweet call. Even if he is listening and will remind me of all of this later on, whilst I’m alone.
Whilst I stand there; my heart battering my ribcage, my knees threatening to collapse beneath.
I can’t help but exhale, a sigh of relief.
What would they make me do if they caught me alone?
Because I trust their opinions more than my own.
Together, I can cope, they fight in my head and I let them as I lay resting in bed.
I’m lucky I guess, they don’t often come to a conclusion. Instead we all get lost in the confusion.
That’s fine, lost I can do. But what do I do when there’s no-one to argue with you.
We’re locked in a room and there’s no way out. I can’t help but believe their words, they fill me with doubt.
So I don’t like to take any medication, if I can’t find them all.
Because without one pill I’ll still hear deaths sweet call.
It’s 9 o’clock now, add another 4 tablets to the mix. I count them out, my prescription fix. Pain, Pain, Pain, Pain.
24 tablets a day. 24 to feel just okay.
9AM Wake up, take 7 pills.